Bizarre Love Triangle
I feel fine and I feel good
I feel like I never should
Whenever I get this way, I just don't know what to say
Why can't we be ourselves like we were yesterday?
I'm not sure what this could mean
I don't think you're what you seem
I do admit to myself that if I hurt someone else
Then I'll never see just what we're meant to be
-"Bizarre Love Triangle," FrenteDespite my immense genius and talent at most everything I have ever attempted, I do not claim to understand the dynamics of my relationship with Tori-san and Gure-san. We have an indelible bond, forged through years of inseparable friendship. Gure-san and I are as close as brothers. Closer than my true brother and myself, even. I blame the distance between us on differences in age – how can I relate to a boy so young and self-pitying? But Gure-san and I are just alike – infinitely intelligent, handsome, talented, charming – I could go on and on.
Tori-san is different, however. He’s not particularly different from Gure-san and myself. He is also infinitely intelligent, handsome, talented, and charming. His charm is of a different sort though. A charm that emanates from deep within his person, that is felt quietly rather than heard loudly. He is our rock, our Tori-san, steady beneath us and unwavering. His calm soothes our extravagance, his patience accepts our eagerness. I cannot deny that what we have in abundance Hatori has in spades. Everything he is, is everything I admire. Everything I admire is everything I love.
I love both my friends completely and truly. I would not abandon them for anything. We understand each other the way true friends should. We know each others’s weaknesses and strengths, pleasures and dislikes. When we are lonely we find comfort in each other. When we are needy we find relief in each other. I would give them anything, and I have given them so much of myself, and I regret nothing. But even I can find reason to be unsettled when wedges find their way between us.
Gure-san has been sleeping with Akito-san. What a bizarre brand of love. He treats their affair indifferently, as if it’s something so simple as taking a stroll through the garden. But there is a light in his eyes, cold and very pale, that frightens me. I’ve never been afraid of Gure-san before. But he speaks of things now in a way that is disturbing, bringing up the dream we had so many years ago, the one that upset us so much and even more so when Gure wanted to make it come true. The way he talks now, and the things he’s doing, I feel almost like I don’t know him at all.
Tori-san is a different matter. He’s in love with a girl, Souma Kana, an outside family member come to work as his assistant. I can’t blame him for falling in love with her; she is a pretty, intelligent, charming young lady. She seems genuinely infatuated with Tori-san, and has been good to him. I would almost hasten to say she takes better care of him than Gure-san or I did, but there is one thing she cannot give him. It’s wrong of me to say, I understand this, but I’ve never much cared for prudence. I give my love to the both of them and wish them all the happiness in the world – anything that makes my Tori-san happy makes me happy. But then . . . he’s not my Tori-san. Not that it matters. As long as he is happy, right?
I could use the same argument for Gure-san, but I refuse to believe being with Akito-san could make anyone happy. I have heard Hatori’s stories. He doesn’t like talking about it, but I force it out of him, of how seductive Akito-san can be in private. My own private liaisons with the head of the family are few and far between. When I am alone with him he keeps his distance, berating me with words and asking me silly questions about my "nature." I’m not sure what it is about me that forces distance – probably my infallible confidence. I’m sure he’s jealous of it. I’m also sure he is jealous of the happiness Tori-san, Gure-san, and myself have found in each other. This is why he keeps trying to come between us – going after Tori-san, then Gure-san. I’m confident they’ll overcome. They’re strong. Stronger than me.
It’s hard not to be jealous of them, of Tori-san’s happiness and Gure-san’s blindness. Me, who has everything! I look at my two friends and wonder how it would feel to be loved like that, a love that’s reciprocated and ill-fated. Because I know in the end, no matter what may happen between then and now, only bad things will result from this. I wish that I could tell them. But talking to Gure-san about Akito is impossible, because he refuses to listen. He is deaf and blind. And talking to Tori-san is wrong, because he deserves to enjoy every minute of his happiness. Of the dream he has found himself ensnared in. It’s not my place – even as his best friend, even as the one who respects him more than anyone else – to try and drag him from it kicking and screaming. I want Tori-san to be happy, even if it will bring his downfall in the end. I feel like this is bad of me. What will I say when the end comes? What will I say when he comes back broken-hearted? I can’t tell him that he must keep those memories precious and close to his heart as possible, because that will be all he has left. I can’t tell him this because . . . I resent those memories. Just as I resent his dream.
My only course of action for the moment is to watch my two best friends play with fire – the fires of passion and the fires of love. Dangerous, beautiful fire. I stand back, keep to myself, and silently pray that someday, when this is all over, Gure-san will find his soft heart again and wear it light and proud like he used to, and that Hatori will be able to open his heart again and be happy like he is now, without resentment. Without resentment like me. And though I find jealousy in my heart like the green thorns of pretty pure white roses, I will indulge Tori-san in his happiness, no matter if it means my own heart suffers alone. True love means making sacrifices. I would sacrifice my very life for Tori-san. I would sacrifice my entire world to ensure that he remains happy.
Every time I see you falling
I get down on my knees and pray
I'm waiting for that final moment
You say the words that I can't say
-"Bizarre Love Triangle," Frente