Loud as my Heart
I was just guessing,
At numbers and figures,
Pulling your puzzles apart.
Questions of science,
Science and progress,
Do not speak as loud as my heart.
She doesn't remember anything and yet she remembers everything. Every night her dreams piece together the quilt of time Kana and Hatori shared, two lovers beneath a blanket now torn asunder. Piece by piece she remembers in her dreams, behind her eyes tacking together everything that was lost.
So handsome, to the point of being intimidating, and yet he loved her, he wanted her. It was hard to believe at first, to think this man would want someone as plain and ordinary as she. But so wonderful, it had felt so wonderful to be in love with him and to be loved by him. But so lonely, so empty, when he refused to hold her, even kiss her. If he loved her, why didn't he embrace her? Why didn't he need her near like she needed him?
That night was like a dream even in reality, when he could no longer hold himself at bay and had leaned in to steal a soft kiss from her trembling mouth. So nervous and thrilled - she'd never been kissed so tenderly. She whispered (or maybe whimpered?) his name, hands on his chest before he could stop her, sliding around his neck before he could react. One moment their mouths were molded together perfectly - so sweet, so soft, so warm. He tasted like the shoreline, like ocean foam and hidden caverns full of secrets never to be remembered. And then... nothing.
Hands and knees, she found herself staring at a pile of clothing, Hatori's partially unbuttoned shirt and lying in the midst of it a seahorse, approximately eight centimeters long. A moment of confusion and then utter panic (Oh no, she'd killed him!). The most logical thing it seemed to do was put him in water, so she quickly scooped him up, filled a tub, and put him in. For a moment, nothing. And then he was Hatori again and she saw his naked body for the first time. She stared. He was more embarrassed about being seen in juunishi form than naked.
Memories. She remembers. She remembers the broad strokes of his hand on her back, holding her very carefully as his lips touched hers. She remembers the silence between them, holding his hand as they watched the last sunset of their happiness.
She wakes up from her memories. They're only dreams, they don't make sense. A one-sided love, a crush, that's all. But oh what if? What if someday Hatori took her in to work for him again? What if someday he did fall in love with her? What if...?
Kana rose from bed with a sad smile, her dreams of him always so pleasant and so painful. She's drawn to her window, watching the first snowfall of winter, piling heavy on the ground. It will melt. It will always melt.
Tell me you love me,
Come back and hold me,
Oh, when I rush to the start.
Runnin' in circles,
Chasin' tails,
Comin' back as we are.-"The Scientist," Coldplay