Please don't kiss me so sweet
it makes me crave a thousand kisses to follow
And please don't touch me like that
makes every other embrace seem pale and shallow
Please don't look at me like that
It just makes me want to make you near me always
-"Near You Always," Jewel

Shigure looks best in the dark, I think. I'm not saying this because I don't like looking at him or anything like that. Actually, I really like to look at him. I won't tell him this -- ever -- but it's true. And I think he looks best at night, especially when the moon is full on a clear night. When he comes to my room on nights like those he likes to open the terrace doors and let the moonlight in, and I like to lay beside him and listen to him talk while admiring the way the moonlight plays off his skin. He's really pale, a lot lighter than me, and his skin in the moonlight glows. He looks like he was made to thrive on those nights, with his black hair and white skin and dark eyes. He lays on his side with his head propped up on one hand, his free hand idly playing with a thread on my pants or shirt sleeve. He's always naked. And sometimes he rolls over onto his back and the moonlight rolls with him, splaying across his chest and stomach and the rest of his body, and he's the same color as the moon and lying there with a big stupid grin on his face.

"Dogs love moonlight, you know," he tells me, flashing that stupid grin at me. "That's when we come alive."

I dislike thinking that all we are, are animals. I like to think we're better than animals on most levels. But I don't tell him this, and I can't deny that being possessed of an animal spirit doesn't do something to the way you are. I believe Shigure when he tells me this. He's always more talkative on nights like this. He touches me more and he's more thoughtful while doing it. And I always feel more afraid on nights like this, deep inside. Sort of trapped, like I can't get away and something awful is going to happen. My cat spirit can't come to terms with his dog spirit just yet. They're always at odds. I bristle under his touch, I hiss at his voice, but I can't help it.

And it's not just the cat that's afraid. I'm scared too. We've been doing this for a while now, right under that damn Yuki's nose. Right under Tohru's nose. Her room is right beside mine, and when he opens the terrace doors at night I'm terrified she'll hear. But if she does, she doesn't say a word. If she does, she's probably too stupid to even know what she's hearing. I suppose I should be grateful for that. We've been doing this so long now the cicadas have started singing, and I sleep with the terrace doors open because the fresh air is sweet and I don't feel so trapped. Sometimes if I'm in my room at night alone, I lay on my futon and stare out the doors and imagine him here with me, bathing in the moonlight like he loves to do.

He's told me everything. Well, everything I guess he feels safe telling me. I know he has secrets. I can see it in his eyes. And I know he's good at keeping secrets. He's kept us a secret all this time. No one seems to suspect a thing, not even Hatori or Akito or that idiot Ayame. He's told me the truth about Hatori and Ayame. About their relationship. I thought it was kind of weird at first. I don't understand how you could be so close to somebody like that, how you could do those kinds of things with them and still not feel obligated to be with them. He tells me it's all in fun. I don't understand what that means. Fun to me is training, working out, reading a book in the quiet of my room, staying with Shishou. But I guess I have fun with Shigure, too. There's definitely something about this situation that keeps me here, keeps me wanting more. Sometimes I feel like it's really wrong. Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve his attention. I mean, what have I done to deserve to feel this way, so . . . so fucking special? Like when he calls me those stupid names like "pretty kitty" and "silly Kyo-chan" I get all weird feeling. All warm. It's the same kind of feeling I get when I'm with Tohru, only he touches me. And kisses me, and sometimes does other things. Things that I really never thought I'd ever do with anyone, until that day I got brave. Truthfully I was just really horny, and I couldn't stop thinking about what I'd seen at the cabin. I didn't think anything would happen. I definitely didn't think it would lead to this.

He's lying beside me being quiet for once, looking through the doors and up at the sky. I can see the moonlight in his eyes and he looks so peaceful. I don't understand him at all. How can he be so easy going all the time? Like we're all perfectly normal, like life is fucking wonderful? How can he stand to touch me and why does he say those stupid things? I don't fucking get it.

And I don't get why I feel the need to be around him. When he's not with me, I get lonely. Tohru goes out with that stupid rat a lot and leaves us alone together, and when we're like that -- like we are right now -- I just want to look at him. I just want to be near him. I've never wanted to be near anybody. I've always been scared of people, even people in my own family. My mother taught me to trust no one, and I learned that you really can't trust people. The world's full of assholes. I always thought he was an asshole. Always laughing and playing jokes and never taking anything seriously. He took me in because Akito made him. He tolerates me because he has to, that's what I always thought. But then suddenly it was different. He wasn't just tolerating me anymore. It was like he wanted me. Sometimes it feels like he wants to be near me the same way I want to be near him.

He notices me staring at him and smiles. "Like what you see?"

I always blush when he says stupid shit like that. I don't know how to be devious and sexy like he does. I don't know how to react to it either. I look away and scowl. "Shut up, dumbass."

He laughs softly, his hand touching mine. "I haven't gotten a kiss all night," he pouts, making those big dumb puppy eyes at me.

"So? What makes you think you're gonna get one?"

He rolls over onto his side and wraps both hands around my wrist, pulling my hand to his face as he whines. "Kyo-chan! I haven't had a silly kitty kiss from my pretty kitty all day!!"

I ignore him, sitting as I am cross-legged with my chin in my palm, elbow on my knee. I know better than to look at him, so I stare at my booshelf instead and try to read the titles on the bookspines in the dark.

"Kyo-chaaaan!"

"Shut up," I growl again, getting annoyed. Why does he do this to me? Why does he whine and beg for my affection? Why does he want me at all?

Suddenly I feel his face pressing into my hip and I look down in surprise to see him curling himself around me, his arms wrapping around my waist. He peers up at me, eyes shining in the shadows as his body pulls away from the light of the moon. He raises up then and brings his face close to mine. I pull away, instinctively nervous and afraid. The cicadas are quiet now, or maybe my heart is just that loud.

I don't try to get away from him. I don't want to get away. I want his kiss when he gives it. I keep my eyes open as long as I can, gaging the distance between us as he moves in, as his eyes get dark and heavy and his lips part with a held breath. I part my lips in response, close my eyes before he touches me. Our lips fit together. I like the way he kisses me, whether it's tender or passionate or sloppy and stupid. I like the way his mouth feels on mine, the way he does his tongue. It feels good. It makes me feel wanted. It makes me crave more, and he's always willing to give me more.

He puts his arms around me, guides me onto my back into the futon. Back into the moonlight, where he kisses me for a long time with small puckers of his lips, molding our lips together and sighing everytime he pulls away. He always tastes like green tea and cigarettes. He always tastes like something organic, something that's good for you, something that you should have. But I still feel undeserving, undeserving of the patience in his mouth and the gentleness of his hands as he lifts my shirt and pulls it over my head. Sometimes I wish he wouldn't come back for me like this. It makes me feel too brave. Makes me feel like maybe I'm worth something when I know I'm not. I'm just a freak who doesn't belong anywhere. Why doesn't he see that?

I tentatively stroke my hands down his back. I'm always so afraid to touch him. Even when he asks me to. I just get so nervous, scared he's not going to like it. But I love the way he feels, his smooth skin that's always so cool. He says he's cold blooded, says we're perfect for each other because I can keep him warm and he can keep me cool. I think he's an idiot, but when I think of the things he says and I'm by myself, sometimes -- not often -- but sometimes . . . I smile.

"Did you miss me today, Kyo-chan?" he asks, pulling away to look down at me as he cradles his arms around me. I open my eyes slowly to look up at him, the moonlight highlighting his left side, my right, and making his smile look like a crescent moon and his eyes nightlike and full of stars. I scowl and look away.

"Don't be stupid. Of course I didn't miss you. Why would I miss a dumb old dog like you?"

It's a lie.

I'm grateful at times like this that he's such an easy-going person. If I'd said that to anyone else their feelings would have been hurt. But Shigure -- he just keeps smiling, his smile even getting a little bigger, and he murmurs, "I missed you," and kisses me again, this time carefully slipping his tongue in my mouth.

I dig my fingers into his back and hold on tight. I wish I could use words the way he can, to tell the truth or to at least make a lie sound eloquent. If I could I would probably tell him everything -- that I think he's beautiful in the moonlight and I'm glad that we spend time together. I would tell him that I do miss him sometimes and I think about him a lot when he's not around. I would tell him that he's a perverted bastard, but I don't really mind that much. Not when we're alone. But even if I could tell him, even if I could use the words, I wouldn't. Because I'd be too afraid.

His hands are in my hair, his mouth paying special attention to my eyelids. I try to make myself so small beneath him, as his body finally starts to grow warm and the moonlight moves across the floor to cover us both; I try to hide under him, trying to hide eveything that feels so obvious in the most obvious place.

---

And when you look into my eyes
please know my heart is in your hands
It's nothing that I understand, but when in your arms
you have complete power over me
So be gentle if you please 'cause
Your hands are in my hair, but my heart is in your teeth
And it makes me want to make you near me always
-"Near You Always," Jewel