See the Light

You want me home, but I'm gone all night
And we've probably been in some kind of fight
But if that's not real, and that's not right
And I'm beginning to see the light
Yes, I'm beginning to see the light

Shigure slipped in the mud, catching himself on a tree before he could completely lose his footing. The bark was soggy under his hand, but bracing his full weight still caused the bark to scrape the heel of his palm. The pain went unnoticed. He only had one thing on his mind, and the rain soaking him through until he was ice cold nor the tears that mixed with the rivulets of rainwater on his cheeks would deter him from this thought.

Heaving himself from the tree he ran. Shigure never ran for anything, not in school, not even when he was child. His laid back nature kept his legs at a steady walk. Nothing was worth running for, nothing worth the effort. But Kyo was.

And so he ran, losing one sandal in the mud and kicking off the other, running blindly through the forest, cutting his feet up, and his hands as he swatted at branches barring his way. His yukata was heavy and burdensome, and he was tempted to take it off as well, tempted to run as fast as he could with as little hindering his way. He had to find Kyo. He had to.

I knew. He’d said it to Tohru as she lay stretched across a tree root, motionless and in shock. Did she even hear him, he wondered? Had it even mattered, as he’d been too shocked himself to even speak. Too distraught. Everything had gone wrong. He’d thought she would be strong enough, but they shouldn’t have been so presumptuous. No one was strong enough. There could be no outsider so strong as to be able to handle such a shock, without warning, without explanation. And now they had hurt Tohru and Kyo. And he had known. He had allowed it. Allowed this precious person to be hurt. It was his fault.

"Kyo!!!!!" Shigure thought his lungs would burst. He screamed till his throat was raw, but then he sobbed, unable to scream anymore. My pretty, silly kitty. Please, dear God, come back.

He was caked with mud. Mud on his kimono, mud on his legs, caking his mostly bare, lacerated feet. He pushed his hair out of his eyes and tried to get his bearings.

It’s my fault. I let Kazuma-dono take the bracelet. I thought we could trust her. But she thought she could trust us. Tohru-kun . . . I’m so sorry. Forgive me. Kyo-kun . . . forgive me.

He fell to his knees, overcome. Pressing his hands to his face and bowing into the mud he sobbed. He cried to his heart’s content, screamed and raged, hating himself for ever taking advantage of Kyo and for ever taking advantage of Tohru. His eyes squeezed shut as he screamed into the earth, he could see nothing but Kyo -- Kyo in his bed, purring in his sleep; Kyo at the table, growing hot with embarrassment and anxiety beneath his hand; Kyo yelling at the top of his lungs, calling him a sick bastard; Kyo giving him that frightened look with those deep eyes like crimson sunsets, dissolving beneath his kisses like hard candy, holding him as if he truly wouldn’t let go for the world. His Kyo, and he didn’t care who knew or what they said. What Kyo would say, if he would run away. Because now it was too late. He’d betrayed his trust, when he had promised over and over again, in whispers while he slept, that he would never do such a thing again. That this time he would be good, he would take care of him, not because it was his duty, but because he wanted to do nothing else but that. He’d promised to be there for him, and he’d already broken it. Kyo would never forgive him. And he would never forgive himself.

Shigure huddled there on the ground, in the rain, and cried himself dry. "Kyo-chan . . . I’m sorry."

And I may be young, but I still know
The things you put down can rise from below
And I can hardly believe you would lay this at my door
'Cause I have heard that song before
Yes, I have heard that song before

Kagura didn’t question the state of Shigure’s robes, nor did she ask about his sandals or the cuts on his hands and feet. She had been crying too hard to care and too much to see the redness in his eyes or the forlorn expression on his face. And when she took his robe to wash, he didn’t say a word. He stood by the window all night, sick with worry, dying on regret, waiting for the kids to come back. Kagura mended her orange cat backpack and sat on Yuki’s bed, more quiet than she had ever been in her life. Kazuma never left the backyard, and clung to Kyo’s bracelet as if it were the only thing left in the world that could justify his existence.

When Tohru returned with a sleeping orange cat curled up in her arms, the house audibly sighed with relief. Shigure rushed out onto the porch, but could go no further, letting his weight sag against a banister as he laughed his fear away. And though he saw Akito lingering nearby, his heart darkened only enough to shade his eyes. His only thought was how to keep Kyo from becoming as bitter as him.

The day was long. Kyo had nearly dislocated Yuki’s shoulder, and after Hatori had come in to make sure he was okay, he left with no words, giving Shigure a meaningful glance as he went out the door. But Shigure didn’t care. All he could do was wonder how he would ever apologize.

He went to Tohru first. Kyo was sleeping in his room, tired and worn out from the transformation and the rain and being up all night. Tohru wouldn’t sleep, no matter how much Shigure suggested she get some rest. Instead she went about her normal household duties, making breakfast for Kazuma before he left and washing all their muddy, soiled clothes. Shigure approached her in the laundry room, his throat tight as he tried to tell her how sorry he was. But she only smiled and told him it was okay, that all that mattered was that Kyo-kun was alright now. She even said she was glad she knew and glad that he hadn’t stopped Kazuma. Shigure didn’t know what to say. He almost cried, but instead he smiled.

When Kyo awoke, Kazuma had just left. Shigure watched out the window as he rushed outside after him, disappearing in the trees that shaded the lane. He put his hand to the window, against the cool glass, and wondered if Kyo would ever, ever accept him again. His heart ached and he had the awful desire to just curl up and die. He wouldn’t be able to stand it if Kyo rejected him. Not that he didn’t deserve it.

For the rest of the day and into the evening they avoided each other. Whether Shigure was actively avoiding Kyo, or Kyo was avoiding Shigure neither of them knew for sure. At the edge of dark Shigure found Kyo sitting outside on the back porch, staring into the trees. Shigure stood in the doorway for a moment, knowing this was his chance. Tohru and Yuki weren’t around, and even if they had been he wouldn’t have cared. He wanted the world to know how he felt now. Wanted the world to know that he meant his apology with all his heart.

It occurred to Shigure as he stood there with a soft, reverent and apologetic look in his eyes, that this was the very place he and Kyo had met that first time, when they’d shared their first experience together. Kyo had been wearing that black T-shirt, the shirt he was wearing now, and those cargo pants, and it had been nearing dusk. And he’d been standing in this doorway looking outside, waiting for him. Shigure’s heart swelled with emotion.

Kyo tensed and looked over his shoulder, surprised to see Shigure standing there looking at him as if he were about to cry. He scowled. "What’s the matter with you?"

It was a pointed question, not accusing him of anything. Shigure stepped out onto the porch and stood beside him a moment, looking down at the top of his head. "Kyo-kun... I’m so sorry."

Kyo’s scowl deepened and he kept his eyes averted. "Sorry for what? It had nothing to do with you."

"But it did," Shigure insisted, sitting down beside him. "I let Kazuma-dono do it. He told me he was going to take your bracelet."

Kyo seemed shocked, gaping at Shigure with wide eyes, but he couldn’t say anything. He didn’t know what to say.

Shigure went on, desperate to get his apology out and heard. "I didn’t stop him because I thought Tohru-kun was strong enough to handle it. I placed faith in her." Shigure shook his head abruptly and closed his eyes. "I’m so sorry."

Kyo didn’t know whether to be mad or grateful. But Shigure looked like he was about to break down into tears, and the last thing he wanted to see was a pathetic, blubbering Shigure. He frowned and leaned back. "Stop acting like you’re going to cry! I’ve never seen a grown man act so childish before!"

Shigure looked up, pale tears rimming his eyes, and started to protest. "But, Kyo-kun --"

"It’s okay," Kyo interrupted, turning away and drawing his knees up to his chest, toes curled over the edge of the porch. "I mean, Tohru accepts me anyway, right? So it’s not a big deal anymore. You didn’t do anything wrong. So stop whining. Jeez!"

Kyo shrugged one shoulder in a non-committal fashion. "What’s the point in getting mad at you? I mean . . . I didn’t want her to see it, but . . . I feel better now that she has. Like . . . finally I can breathe easy. Like finally . . . I’m accepted."

Shigure watched Kyo’s face closely, the thoughtful look on his young features somewhere between bewildered and relieved. He opened his mouth and said in a hushed, serious voice, "I accept you, Kyo-kun."

Again, Kyo shrugged. "It’s not the same. It’s not the same as hearing it from her, because she doesn’t know." Kyo paused, then opened his mouth as if he were going to say something else, but nothing came out. He shut his mouth and frowned again, burying his face in his arms.

Shigure reached out to touch his back, but hesitated, afraid. "Kyo-kun, I thought . . . I thought you would hate me."

The hand came to rest on his warm back, fingers trailing down his spine and back up again as Shigure edged closer.

Shigure smiled a little, glad Kyo hadn’t said no. "I was really scared last night when you ran away. I went looking for you, I was so scared."

"I was scared that you would get hurt, or that Tohru-kun and Yuki-kun would get hurt looking for you. I was scared . . . that it was all my fault, and that you would hate me and never forgive me." He pulled his hand away from Kyo’s back and spread both hands in front of him, palms up, to look at his scratches. Kyo noticed them for the first time, and the wonder in his eyes shone brighter as he lifted his eyes to Shigure’s face.

"You didn’t have to do that, you stupid dog," he muttered, trying to sound reproachful, but he just sounded awed. Shigure smiled.

Shigure actually heard Kyo’s breath catch in his throat. He looked at Kyo, into his shocked eyes, and said it again, softer and more meaningful, sincere and true. "I love you, Kyo. Please . . . don’t run away again."

It was getting hard to keep the emotion from his voice. But he told himself it was alright, because it did prove he was sincere and that he meant it with all his heart. Kyo blinked, then leaned back and away from him, as if he were suddenly afraid of the older man. He shook his head, tried to laugh, and shook his head again.

He’d expected this, but he was determined to make the willful cat listen to him. "I do mean it. I mean it more than any other words I’ve said in my life. And you’re going to hear me, goddammit. You’re going to believe me!" Shigure never raised his voice or cursed, so to hear him do these two things frightened Kyo even more, and as his lover reached out for him he pulled away, jumping up from the porch and staring at him as if he were absolutely insane.

"You don’t mean that!" he shouted adamantly, as if trying to convince Shigure otherwise. "You don’t mean it! So just shut up!"

"Kyo -- " He reached for him again, trying to take his hand, but Kyo jerked it away.

Shigure wasn’t quite sure what happened next. He saw Kyo-kun move as if maybe he were going to hit him in a desperate attempt to get him to be quiet, but no sooner had Kyo moved than Tohru suddenly came flying past and tackled him to the ground, crying, "No, Kyo-kun!" There was a pyon and a bright cloud of orange, and lying in the yard was Tohru, an orange cat in her arms.

Everyone just stared at each other. Shigure’s heart was pounding so loud he was sure they could all hear it.

Tohru, her eyes squeezed shut tight, sat up, hugging Kyo close to her breast. "I’m sorry! I’m so sorry! But I was in the kitchen and heard you out here and I couldn’t help but hear what you were talking about, and then when Kyo-kun started yelling I came to the door and I thought he was going to hit Shigure-san and I had to stop him! I’m so sorry!!"

Kyo sagged against her, all fight having left him. Shigure’s eyes were huge with shock, and his hands were frozen midair, still reaching for Kyo. "You heard? Everything?"

Tohru nodded, opening her eyes at last. A tear rolled down each cheek, and Shigure’s hands fell to his lap. He didn’t know what to say.

"Oh god," Kyo mumbled, absolutely hopeless. He was sure Tohru would hate him now. After all they’d been through, and now she was going to reject him, and it really was that stupid dog’s fault.

"I’m sorry, Kyo-kun!" Tohru apologized again. "But you shouldn’t hit Shigure-san just because he loves you. Love is very precious; you should be happy that he loves you!"

The cat and the man just stared. Tohru went on, "I know when my mother told me she loved me it made me so happy. It was the best feeling in the world, to feel loved by someone. Kyo-kun’s very lucky to have someone who loves him so much. And it’s the truth, Kyo-kun! I know it is! Shigure-san loves you very, very much!"

Shigure was beside himself with shock and gratefulness. "Tohru-kun . . . how did you know?"

"It’s true, isn’t it?" She met his eyes. "You wouldn’t have went looking for us if you didn’t care. And you wouldn’t have went after Kyo-kun if you weren’t scared. You wouldn’t have let your robes get all dirty and your hands all cut up if Kyo-kun didn’t mean that much to you. I wouldn’t have went after Kyo-kun either. But I care for Kyo-kun very much, and I care for Shigure-san, and I want them to be happy. I just want us all to be happy."

Kyo looked up at Tohru, his cat face registering surprise and desperation. He hated to see her cry. "You don’t . . . hate us?"

Tohru wiped at her eyes and set Kyo down on the porch beside Shigure, smiling through her tears. "Why would I hate you for being in love? I’m happy that Shigure-san loves you. And I think . . . I think it’s cute when two boys love each other."

"What?!" Kyo shrieked, and he started to pounce on Shigure, calling him a sick bastard and to shut his mouth, when there was another pyon, an orange cloud, and Kyo was Kyo again, only sans clothing. Tohru screeched and turned around, covering her eyes. Kyo had Shigure by the front of his yukata and was threatening to punch his lights out when a voice stopped him.

"Can’t you have your lover’s quarrel quietly?" Yuki was rubbing at his eyes, just woken from a nap by the mania going on outside.

"Of course I know," Yuki replied dryly, smoothing a wrinkle in his shirt. "You’re not exactly quiet or very careful about hiding it. I even saw you once."

Kyo’s face went bright red, and he didn’t even notice Tohru reaching his clothes back to him, trying to keep her eyes closed and a hand firmly over them.

"I’ll fucking kill you," he growled, letting go of Shigure. Shigure adjusted himself, then took Kyo’s clothes from Tohru, trying to coerce him into putting them back on. But Kyo was so angry he didn’t even notice or seem to care.

"I didn’t watch," Yuki said indignantly, lying through his teeth of course. He crossed his arms over his chest and turned his head away, nose in the air. "It was an accident. You were having sex on the front porch, for goodness sakes!"

Tohru whimpered and hunkered down. "Yu-Yu-ki-kun," she stammered, hoping to thwart a fight, but it was too late. Kyo jumped at Yuki, aiming a punch straight for his jaw, but Yuki dodged and sent a kick into Kyo’s bare stomach, sending the poor boy flying over Tohru’s head and into the yard. Still completely naked. Tohru screamed and didn’t know whether to run to Kyo’s aid or hide her eyes. Shigure, perfectly calm, stood up and went to where Kyo lay, curled in a ball, and covered him with his shirt.

"Silly kitty," he murmured affectionately, rubbing Kyo’s hair from his eyes. "Don’t you know better than to fight with Yuki-kun without clothes on?"

When all the stars up in Heaven were rushed by an angel
To see the light in your face better
And if God would only listen
He would surely create us
A hope of His everlasting grace

The roof was warm and the sky was clear. The rain clouds of the previous night had disappeared, moving eastward and leaving the midnight blue sky full of stars. Kyo counted them idly, trying his best to distract himself from the events of the day. He didn’t know what to feel about what Shigure had said; he’d been so shocked all he’d known to do was retaliate. He’d known it wasn’t the right thing to do, but when had he ever known what was right? Especially when it came to matters of the heart. He wasn’t mad at Shigure for what he’d told him, that he’d let Kazuma take his bracelet. After all, it had brought he and Tohru closer together, if that was possible. He felt better not hiding anything from her, even his relationship with Shigure. She really, truly accepted them. She was really, truly upset that Kyo had panicked and been unaccepting of Shigure’s feelings. She really, truly just wanted them to all be happy, however they found it. And if it was with each other -- well, all the better.

Kyo sighed up at the sky, his fingers idly massaging the back of his head. If he closed his eyes he could easily imagine it was Shigure’s fingers, petting his hair as he drifted to sleep. Stupid dog, did he really mean that? Did he really love him? And what did it mean anyway, if he did?

Shigure knew exactly where to find Kyo when he disappeared. He didn’t often make visits to the roof. The dog didn’t have the grace of the cat, and quite frankly heights sort of scared him. But he climbed up the ladder anyway, intent on making Kyo listen to him. The teenager startled to see him, just like a skittish cat, and Shigure could see all the lines of his body tense as he settled in beside him, folding his legs and leaning back on his hands. Kyo remained lying down, one hand behind his head and the other on his stomach. For a moment they didn’t speak. They both looked up at the stars, Shigure rolling an apology around on his tongue, Kyo telling himself he needed to hear him out this time.

"I’m sorry," Shigure said at last, his voice faint, but firm. "I guess I shouldn’t have told you that. I was afraid it’d push you away."

Kyo snorted. Shigure obviously thought he was so predictable. Well, he’d thought he was predictable too, but Kyo was actually surprised by how calm he felt right now. He was anxious, extremely nervous even, but he wasn’t angry. "Don’t be sorry. When’d you become such a sorry dog, anyway? It makes me sick to hear you apologize all the time."

Shigure blinked and looked at Kyo, confused. Kyo went on in his temperamental tone, "I’m not mad at you, okay? I . . . I’m sorry I overreacted, but I couldn’t help it. It’s just that . . . when you said that . . . I thought of my mom." Kyo kept his eyes on the stars over their heads, and never once looked at Shigure. "Mom was always telling me how much she loved me. It was all that ever came out of her mouth, so . . . I don’t know, I had a hard time believing it because I know she didn’t really accept me. And it just . . . I got this feeling when you said it that if you really meant that something bad would happen. Like . . . like you would go away."

Like I would die? Shigure wondered to himself, relieved and touched and speechless all at the same time. He turned himself so that his body was facing Kyo’s, and leaned into the slant of the roof, terribly afraid he’d slide right off and trying not to show it. "I’m not going anywhere, Kyo, I promise."

"I know," Kyo grumbled, as if he begrudged Shigure for this fact. "But it was kind of overwhelming, I guess. To hear those words coming from your mouth. I didn’t expect it."

"I’m sorry I sprang it on you so suddenly," Shigure apologized again, lowering his eyes. "But I wanted you to know, in light of all that’s happened. I felt like if I didn’t say it now I’d never get the chance."

"Stupid," Kyo muttered, taking Shigure off-guard. He looked at Kyo’s face, but the cat was still looking up at the stars. "I may be young and I may lose my temper, but I’m not going to hate you for no good reason."

Shigure didn’t know what else to say. For a moment he just looked at his pretty kitty’s face, that feeling finally returning to him, that Kyo was his and everything was okay. They didn’t have to hide anymore, even if Kyo was embarrassed Shigure could kiss him whenever he wanted to, touch him whenever he wanted to. They didn’t have to tiptoe around Tohru and Yuki anymore because they knew. And they knew he loved him.

Without a word Shigure laid down beside Kyo, stretching out on his back and folding his hands over his stomach as he looked up into the sky. He could sense Kyo stiffening beside him, but neither of them spoke as Shigure settled down, quietly amazed by what he saw. No wonder Kyo liked it on the roof so much. Just lying flat on his back and looking straight up made it feel as though he were floating in the sky, among the stars and the deepening blue-black of nighttime. He didn’t feel quite so afraid of being up high, afraid of falling. Actually, he kind of liked the feeling. Sort of like flying. Sort of like being in love.

"Shigure." Kyo’s hesitant voice to his left brought him back down to earth, and he looked over to meet Kyo’s eyes for the first time. They were insecure, but determined, and his voice was unnaturally quiet as he spoke. "What you said . . . you meant it, right?"

Shigure didn’t want to say, "Of course I meant it!" so he just nodded almost impercetpibly, and murmured, "Yes."

Kyo’s eyes shifted, looking nervously down and focusing on a loose thread on Shigure’s yukata sleeve. They were close, their shoulders touching, and Shigure could swear he felt Kyo’s unease as if it were his own. Maybe it was.

"I . . ." Kyo’s voice caught, and his brow furrowed slightly in anger, irritated with himself. "I . . . I feel that way too!"

Shigure’s eyes widened, not expecting Kyo to reciprocate his feelings, let alone say that he did. He sat up a little, shifting onto his side to look down at the flustered, blushing boy with a gentle, relieved look, not even knowing what to say in response to that. When Kyo at last met his eyes there was a moment of silent communication, their hearts the only parties who could understand what was said, and then Kyo raised up and met Shigure’s lips with his own, kissing him tenderly. Kyo never, in all the time they’d been together, initiated contact. And when he returned kisses it was always Shigure who had to temper them with tenderness. Kyo was so tempestuous and needy he didn’t know how to be gentle, but this kiss was just that. So soft and giving, as if trying to return every gentle, loving touch Shigure had ever given him.

Shigure started to cradle Kyo’s face in his hands, overcome by the moment, but at the barest touch of his fingers to Kyo’s cheeks the boy pulled away, turning his face away as a sudden sob racked his body.

"I’m scared!" he admitted angrily, furious with himself for his weakness and for showing it to someone else. He wiped at his eyes, trying to keep the tears from showing.

"Oh . . . Kyo-chan . . ." Shigure went to embrace him, but was pushed away. It made him a little angry that Kyo was beating himself up like this, and he wrapped his arms around him regardless, even as Kyo struggled with no fight. "Don’t you know you don’t have to be afraid of me anymore? Show me whatever you want, Kyo, I’m not going anywhere. I promise."

Kyo sank into him suddenly, crying in earnest, and clutched to the front of his robe as he cried against the exposed part of Shigure’s chest. He sat up, holding his boy close, and rocked him gently, promising him all the things he’d never gotten to promise out loud before. That he’d be there and he’d never go anywhere unless Kyo wanted him to. Maybe they were promises he couldn’t always keep, but for right now he’d try his hardest to.

"I love you, Kyo-chan," he whispered meaningfully. "I love you. I’m not going to abandon you."

For a moment there was silence, Kyo’s sniffles fading into Shigure’s tear-dampened skin. When he spoke his voice was muffled and almost indiscernible, but Shigure understood him all the same. "I . . . love you too."

That night the lovers spent all the time they needed to relearn each other’s bodies, moving slow and touching tenderly, their hearts in it more than they’d ever been before, and with more peace than they’d ever felt before. They were in Kyo’s room with the balcony door open, no longer caring if the other members of their household heard them. It didn’t matter.

Yuki and Tohru sat on the roof together, looking up at the stars. Yuki had a somewhat disgusted look on his face; they could hear every noise Kyo and Shigure were making afterall, every gasp and every whispered name. It really wasn’t disgusting; truthfully there was something relieving about it. He had to admit, he was jealous of their happiness. No one would ever touch him that way, no one would ever want to hold him, no one would ever love him. No one would be able to.

Nevertheless he had Tohru by his side, and her sweet smile was enough to ease his heart. She leaned back on her hands, tilting her head back to see more of the sky.

Yuki smiled and moved his hand over hers, just covering her fingers with his own.