Kyo sat on the veranda outside his room, his knees drawn up to his chest, watching the sunset over the trees. He sighed to himself, eyes distracted by the color and filmy shape of the clouds. They looked like melted whipped cream, pink and lavender. The sun was parted into pieces by them, shining red in fragments. He tried hard to concentrate on the clouds and the colors, the breeze and the sound of it through the treetops. He tried hard not to think about Shigure, or anyone else for that matter, because it'd been all he'd thought about for days. That stupid dog and his stupid perversion.

So one can imagine how shocked he was at the knock on his door, Shigure's voice calling to him from the other side. "Kyo-kun! May I come in?"

Kyo didn't give him permission, but he knew it was useless to say no. He buried his chin even further in his arms, thinking about the last time he didn't say no. Shigure's presence was already making him angry, his footsteps too loud as he crossed Kyo's room, pausing in the open doorway and leaning against the frame.

"Beautiful evening, ne?"

Kyo didn't answer. He didn't look up. He kept perfectly still, eyes staring a hole through the sun. Shigure was looking down at him from the corner of his eye, his mouth set in a partial frown. He took it upon himself to sit down beside his young housemate, leaning against the door fasten and reaching into his robe for a cigarette.

Kyo took a quick glance at him, suspicious of the dog's movements. When he saw he was getting a cigarette he almost said, "No smoking in my room, stupid dog." But as it were, they weren't in his room and Kyo didn't want to say anything just yet.

They sat in silence for the entirety of Shigure's smoke. He flicked the ashes towards the edge of the deck, but they were inevitably blown by the breeze in a northerly direction, dancing their way around the corner. The smell of the smoke irritated Kyo's nose, and he tried hard to keep it hidden in the folds of his hooded sweatshirt. When Shigure was done he tossed the hapless butt over the rail, and Kyo felt compelled to say something just for the sake of speaking. The silence was killing him.

He was surprised that he didn't blow up. "When'd you take up such a disgusting habit?" He could've been referring to any number of habits the man had.

Shigure sighed, smiling with reminiscence. "Ha-san got me started. He's been smoking since we were thirteen."

Kyo's eyes widened in disbelief, and he deigned to raise his head just a little, turning his face slightly in Shigure's direction.

"But you'll be proud to know," Shigure went on, his smile broadening, "I didn't start until fifteen!"

Kyo had a mental image of Momiji with a cigarette and almost burst out laughing. His mood was still glum though, so the amusement of such a mental picture went basically unregistered on his face.

Neither of them said anything for a minute. Shigure's smile faded into another concerned frown, his eyes softened with concern. He was afraid that maybe he had upset Kyo. It hadn't really occurred to him until he'd noticed – finally – that the kid seemed to be avoiding him on purpose.

"Kyo-kun?" he asked softly, feeling as though he were poking a badger with a stick. He was inviting an argument, he knew, but this couldn't go on. It was getting too awkward. And besides, Shigure knew how to handle Kyo. At least . . . he thought he did. "Are you . . . angry with me?"

Kyo snorted, a smirk that Shigure considered downright evil appearing on his face. "No."

Shigure blinked. "But . . . you're obviously upset about something. And it's obvious what it is. So why – "

Kyo exploded. "How the hell do you know what it is?! And why the hell do you wanna talk about it?! You never wanna TALK about anything! All you do is act stupid and torture people!"

Silence. Kyo puffed and turned away again, making an even tighter ball of himself. The sun was now a small glowering arch over the trees, beneath the milky wisp of clouds. Shigure scratched the back of his head nervously, feeling as though he'd just been put in his place.

"Well then . . . I deserved that. I guess."

"You guess?" Kyo laughed bitterly. "You deserve to be punched."

Shigure was surprised and relieved that's all Kyo thought he deserved. If he'd said he deserved to die it would've hurt much worse. For many reasons. None of which he was willing to confront just yet.

"I'm sorry, Kyo-kun, for what I did." Shigure looked away, feeling sorry for the first time. "If you didn't want to, you should have said no."

Kyo didn't speak. He kept staring at the sun, at the red light that perfectly matched his eyes. Now that Shigure had brought it out, he didn't feel quite so upset about it anymore. He wasn't even sure if he'd been angry at the stupid dog for what had happened. He had sort of asked for it, after all. And he'd had every opportunity to say no. It was just that . . . just that . . .

"It's just that I'm confused."

Shigure looked up. Kyo's chin was resting on top his arms now, his face sullen in the colors of sunset. Shigure had never noticed how much those colors complimented him – his skin tone and his hair and his eyes, all offset by the red of the setting sun. He was a very handsome boy. To think of what he'd be like in another ten years sort of made Shigure's heart race.

"Confused?" he echoed. "I guess I did that too."

Kyo shook his head. "No. It couldn't be helped. I saw you. I saw Hatori and Ayame. I wanted to know what that was like. I'm not saying I didn't enjoy seeing it. I'm not saying I didn't enjoy . . . what we did. I just . . . I don't know. Having done it, I imagined it to be different somehow."

"Ahh." Shigure sat back, relaxing outwardly but still feeling tense on the inside. "I remember my first sexual experience. It was with this amazing American girl, a transfer student at our high school!"

Kyo grimaced, bracing himself for a dose of helplessly endearing Shigure stupidity. But for once he actually had a shred of common courtesy for the boy. "You want to hear the story?"

Kyo, interested just from curiosity, shrugged in a noncommittal fashion.

"She had red hair and green eyes, and was like this – " He traced an hourglass figure in the air with his fingers. He grabbed his heart. "Just looking at her made me hard! She made my heart pound with desire!"

Kyo turned away from him, already wishing he'd not shrugged. "This isn't one of your stupid romance novels."

"Ah . . . but she was so beautiful! I worked up the courage to ask her out – " (In truth Hatori was the one who had asked her out, at Shigure's request, and the girl had mistook his invitation for a date with his friend as an invitation for a threesome, so while she did understand Shigure would be there, she had thought Hatori would be there as well; needless to say, she was disappointed to find just one.) " – and after our date that night we were sitting up there." He pointed to a cliff on the other side of the trees, to the south. "She offered to do anything I wanted. The memory brings blood to my face!" He giggled childishly, covering his mouth with his sleeve.

Kyo glanced at him, sulking next to the perverted dog. Doesn't look red to me.

"I told her to do whatever she wanted as long as she didn't embrace me."

"Wasn't that a bit risky?" Kyo mumbled begrudgingly.

"Yeah, but I would've done anything for pussy at that point."

Kyo didn't like the way that sounded. Not at all. If he'd been in his cat form he would've flattened his ears back.

"She kissed me all over my body, then she undid my pants, pulling me out slowly – "

"Shi-gu-re......"

Shigure frowned. "You wanted to hear the story."

"I don't want disgusting details!"

Shigure shrugged, finishing up with a simple, "She sucked me off."

Kyo's face fell against his knees. He made a pitiable sound, wondering why he had to live with this crassness.

"Ah, but you see the point of this story is this!" Shigure held up a finger, taking on a wise and very silly expression. "It was everything I imagined and more. But afterward, I wasn't happy."

"Why not?" Kyo's voice was flat, muffled against his knees, his arms hanging limp by his sides.

"Because I wanted more than that. Oral sex is wonderful, but there's more to sex than that."

Kyo grit his teeth. He knew what was coming before Shigure even said it.

"Sooooo . . ." He leaned towards Kyo, his lids hanging low over his smoky eyes. "Is that what you're so confused about, Kyo-kun? You wanna know what more there is to it all?"

"Shut up, pervert!!" Kyo pushed him away, refraining from actually hitting him. Shigure fell back against the edge of the door, surprised and thankful his weight didn't break it. He feigned hurt.

"Aww! You didn't have to hit me! I was only joking!"

Kyo took a deep breath, calming himself. He didn't know if Shigure were telling the truth or not. It was impossible to tell and it made him very uneasy. He didn't know if what they'd done meant anything to the stupid dog. Because he knew it had meant something to him, even though he'd thought it was kind of repulsive at first, he'd gotten to like it. The scent of him and the feel of him and his voice and his taste and his face when he smiled in what seemed to be a sincere way. And more than anything he'd liked what they'd done afterward, leaning against him, Shigure's fingers writing on his back, little words that didn't make sense and were silly and so very Shigure. Being held so close to someone . . . he'd never been held like that before. Shishou had held him, but that was different. This was being close to someone, this was a kind of closeness that not everyone got to share, that not everyone got to appreciate.

He turned away from Shigure again, trying to sort out his feelings in his head. "That's not what it is," he explained quietly, wondering if he should say anything at all. "It wasn't wanting to know more. Or even wondering what it would be like to be with a girl. I figure . . . it can't be that different."

"It's pretty nice," Shigure interrupted, not helping matters any.

"Shut up! If you love girls so much how come you do it with guys?"

Shigure smiled knowingly. "Ahh . . . because it's simpler? I won't deny myself everything. I love boys too." He winked, making Kyo feel downright dirty. But in a good way, which made him even more uneasy. "Besides, it takes talent to be with a woman. You have to know how to work it, if you know what I mean."

"Ugh! I can't talk to you, pervert!" Kyo stood up, ready to leave, fed up with this conversation. It was going nowhere. But Shigure grabbed his arm, yanking him back down.

"I apologize! Please tell me what's the matter. I won't interrupt you anymore."

Kyo glared at him. How had he kept his patience? Maybe it was the fact Shigure had listened to him this far.

"I'm confused," he stated with emphasis, "because . . . I liked it and I hated it."

Shigure kept his mouth closed, but when he saw that Kyo wasn't going to speak again, he tried prompting him. "Liked it . . . and hated it?"

"Yeah." Kyo said no more.

Shigure mulled over this for a moment. "You liked it . . . that's a given. You hated it . . . because it made you feel ashamed?"

"No . . . it's not even that," the boy mumbled, clutching his hands around his ankles. "It did feel good. I did want to do it. But . . . what I enjoyed the most about it was . . ." He trailed off, unsure if he could even admit it. The worst that could happen was Shigure would laugh at him. And then if he did Kyo would punch him into next week. But that still wouldn't make his heart stop hurting. Stop being such a pussy, he told himself, then winced at his own unintentional pun. "I enjoyed being held."

Shigure was quiet a second, a kind of quiet that was calm and thoughtful, no indication of impending laughter to be heard. When he spoke, his voice was extremely soft. He'd never heard Shigure's voice like this before. The only people who had ever heard this tone were Hatori, Akito, Ayame, and Tohru. "Being held . . . is a very wonderful feeling. And sometimes a person will do almost anything to experience that wonder."

Only Shigure knew what he was talking about. He could see Akito before his eyes clear as day, smiling from across his room, his robes pooling around his feet. He could see Akito lying beside him, sleeping the whole night through for the first time in weeks. No nightmares and no fevers and no coughing up blood.

Kyo stared at Shigure's profile thoughtfully, amazed by this totally different person sitting beside him. He realized the reason why Shigure made him so nervous was because he didn't know what he was thinking or what he would do next. He had chalked it up to his perversion and foolishness, but really it was those things that made the man so lovable. Kyo already knew that Shigure could be very tender. He already knew that for all the talk he was really a very gentle, caring lover. Even though what they'd done had been unexpected from Kyo's point of view, he'd liked it and he'd seen that Shigure hadn't meant to take advantage of him at all. He remembered the way his eyes had looked as he'd touched his mouth afterwards, his jaw sore and his lips swollen. His eyes were so dark and so . . . open and adoring. That look would probably make a girl swoon. Thank goodness he wasn't a girl.

"Shigure," he said at last, drawing the dog's attention to him. He had to look away, because looking into Shigure's serious face was the same as looking into his tender face. They were one in the same. "I didn't do it just because I wanted to be held."

"I'm not saying you did."

"I'm only saying . . . what we did was fine. But mostly, I'd rather just be held . . . like that. It's . . ." Kyo couldn't bring himself to say it. So Shigure finished the sentence for him.

"Comforting." They both gazed out to the horizon, thoughtful and blue. Doomed to never be held, to never know the comfort of another's arms, of the gentle touches all people craved. Touches that whispered affection and love and need and desire. Shigure had shared those touches with others before, but in the end it had all come to nothing. He'd shared that with Kyo, and now here they were, trying to decide if he'd scarred the boy for life. It made his heart very heavy.

"I'm so sorry, Kyo-kun," he apologized again, even more sincerely than before, his head bowed as he contemplated the weave of his intertwined fingers. Kyo turned to him, slightly surprised.

"I'm not angry," he reiterated calmly, and he wasn't. And he didn't even understand now why Shigure would be upset. If he thought it was comforting too, then why would he be sorry?

Shigure glanced over at him, so in awe of Kyo's brazen beauty all of a sudden. He could remember when he was seventeen, walking through the garden looking for Aya, and seeing a small flame haired boy chasing butterflies around the buttercups. He could remember thinking, That's the cat kid. Cute kid. Why would anyone want to abandon him? Kazuma-dono . . . he's better than the rest of us, taking care of that kid. I don't think I could do it. Shigure's face fell at the memory, his brows tensing with worry and shame. Kyo was living with him now, and he was expected to take care of him, and Yuki and Tohru as well. But he hadn't been taking care of them at all. He'd even gone so far as to breech the trust that came with being a caretaker. It was the first time he'd ever fully regretted something he'd done. It was true. He couldn't do it.

Shigure had no idea how openly the regret showed on his face. To Kyo, it looked as though the dog was about to cry.

"Shigure!" Kyo was getting upset now. He didn't know how to deal with girls who cried and he definitely didn't know how to deal with a full grown man who did.

"I'm sorry, Kyo-kun, it's just that I feel like I've betrayed you."

"What the hell are you talking about?!"

"It was just . . . just wrong of me."

Kyo rolled his eyes. He was annoyed, but he was also upset that Shigure would think it was wrong. He was just getting over the fact that he thought it was pretty good, and now here the stupid dog was telling him they'd done something wrong! He thought hard, trying to work up something to say.

"I don't think it was wrong of you. I'm not blaming you. Now stop looking like you're gonna cry or something, you big baby!"

Shigure blinked, having not realized the severity of the expression on his face. Kyo went on, turning back to the sky, "I liked it, okay? I liked all of it. And who's to say I wouldn't be up to doing it again sometime? Not that that's an invitation or anything!"

Shigure just kept blinking.

"I'm just not up to it right now," he mumbled, drawing in on himself again. "If that's okay with you."

"That's perfectly okay with me!" Shigure said before he'd even thought about it. He hesitated, considering Kyo's words a moment. "Kyo-kun . . . if you ever do . . . want to try something . . ."

"I'll tell you," Kyo interrupted harshly, not looking at him.

Shigure nodded. "Okay. That's okay with me."

They sat there together, quiet and still as the sky slowly darkened. Stars were visible in the dark blue expanse that domed the rest of the sky, making its way down to the horizon and over the clouds, the clouds now turning blue as twilight settled. Shigure didn't know what to do. He didn't want to leave because something was telling him to stay, so he started to reach into his robes for another cigarette, but Kyo's voice interrupted him.

"Oi."

"Hai?"

"I . . . I'd . . ." Kyo's voice was tense. Asking wasn't easy for him. Not easy at all. But Shigure had managed to teach him a few things since he'd been living with him, and for this he could take a smidgeon of comfort. "I'd like to be held now."

It made his heart feel like air, those words. He didn't know why. He didn't really care why either. If he was making another mistake, then so be it. Someone needed to be there for Kyo. Especially to hold him when he wanted to be held.

"Alright."

Getting there was awkward. Kyo didn't want to move. He didn't want to seem too needy. Shigure thought his position against the door was rather comfortable and thought it'd be best for Kyo to come to him. It ended with a compromise, Shigure closing the door and moving over, Kyo scooting towards him self-consciously, trying his best to look as though he weren't getting closer to the perverted dog. Shigure's impatience took over and he grabbed Kyo, yanking him against his chest and wrapping his arms around him from behind.

"What the hell was that?!" the tempestuous teen shouted, his voice echoing out over the trees.

"It was me getting you into position," Shigure replied calmly, a contented smile on his face. Kyo's butt was now neatly nestled into the hollow between his crossed legs, his back firmly pressed against Shigure's chest. Shigure had his arms wrapped around his shoulders, waiting for Kyo to relax so he could relax.

"Getting me into position for what?" Kyo acted as though he were about to bolt at any minute.

"To be held, silly Kyo-kun! Do you want me to or not?" Shigure regretted saying it like that, as he figured Kyo would come back with something like, "It's either you or that damn Yuki!" Meaning he was settling for Shigure, just as Akito had done. But Kyo didn't reply for a moment, finally sighing and relaxing just a tiny bit against him. He bowed his head slightly and at last murmured, "I . . . do."

Shigure visibly relaxed with relief, and after a while, when the crickets were singing full chorus, Kyo was leaned against him, one hand coyly grasping onto Shigure's arm, Shigure resting his chin on Kyo's shoulder and silently enjoying the cool Autumn night. The boy smelled like fabric softener and sunlight, his hair fresh and silken against Shigure's cheek. It made the man smile, this small comfort. He really didn't want much else. Kyo's body was wonderful, but being granted this gift was more than he could ever ask for.

 

---

If you want a lover
I'll do anything you ask me to
And if you want another kind of love
I'll wear a mask for you
If you want a partner
Take my hand
Or if you want to strike me down in anger
Here I stand
I'm your man
-"I'm Your Man," Leonard Cohen